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19 Things That It Took Me 50 Years
To Learn
by Dave Barry
1. Never under any circumstances
take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify,
in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never
will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine
line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share
their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours
with them.
5. And when God, who created
the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a
message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on
cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse
your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens,
somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises
and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives
a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual
is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak
knife.
11. Take out the fortune
before you eat the cookie.
12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find
anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe
daylight savings time.
14. You should never say
anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's
pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that
moment.
15. There comes a time
when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about
your birthday. That time is age eleven.
16. The one thing that
unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic
status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe
that we are above average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment
of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in
them.
18. A person who is nice
to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
19. Your friends love you
anyway.
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